Our handy field guide to spot a guy that’s just getting used for sex. It might be you. If you were thinking it was anything more than casual, you’ll want to know when your day pass to wonderland is about to expire.
1. Confession Obsession Guy
What a night. She nailed you to the wall, the bed, the kitchen counter and the LAY-ZE-BOY. In the morning though, she made it clear. “That” can never happen again. She’s a good girl, a regular churchgoer, to three different congregations no less. All right, you say to yourself, I guess that was too good to be true.
The following Friday you get a call that she needs to come over and talk about this “problem” between the two of you. The strange thing is, she’s barely in the door before you’re both clawing each other’s clothes off. What kind of problem could there possibly be?
Like a donut to a dieter, you have become her original sin. The scandalous and titillating acts that she can now confess to her Wednesday prayer group, have made her an instant celebrity. Churchy chick friends will put down their Kindle copy of Shades of Grey to help her deal with this crisis.
It might be great for a while, but don’t get any big ideas. You’re only a temporary indiscretion. As soon as the focus shifts to the upcoming bake sale, she’ll find salvation in the lord, and you’ll be back to watching Hawaii Five-O for fun on Friday night.
2. Rebound Guy
Does she like to talk about her loooooong relationship that just ended? You may have been waiting patiently for the break-up for months, even years. Now you got your chance. Be warned, rebound guy is usually a short-term position. Knock knock. Who’s there? Basket. Basket who? Basket going dude cuz she’s using you.
3. Secret Shack-Up Guy
Maybe she’s a little young, or comes from an old-world family. Whatever the reason, she doesn’t want anyone to know you’ve moved in together. Her secret’s safe with you, but if her friends find out, or worse, her mother, you’re as good as gone. Once she comes clean that she’s been shacking up, the excitement of living in sin and keeping her dirty little secret will be gone. You’ll be getting your pink slip and she’ll be getting a new roommate.
4. After Work Guy
The French have their very own phrase, “cinq à sept” (pronounced sank-a-set). Literally it means 5 to 7, the difficult to account for time between work and coming home to their committed relationship. If your latest flame likes to stop by for some afternoon delight, you might want to check your watch to see if you’re getting nailed off the clock.
5. Big Date Warm-Up Guy
You regularly get a call around dinner time on Friday or Saturday night, to just hang out. Then after she’s wrung you out, she bolts. She says she’s going to meet her girlfriends, but you might just be the warm up for the main event. A little something to settle the nerves before her big date. There’s really no defense against this one, unless you want to go into full-on stalker mode. But why would you? You’ve stumbled upon a rare and beautiful thing: friends with benefits. Just make sure she brings the beer.
6. ‘Your Fridge is Mine’ Guy
Maybe you’re a great cook, or maybe you work at a restaurant. For whatever reason, you have awesome leftovers in your fridge. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but it’s no less true that the way into a woman’s pants is through her, um, chocolate box. There are actually tons of aphrodisiac foods, so if you’re making a shopping list, keep plenty of bananas, watermelon and salmon steaks on hand. A bottle of red wine wouldn’t hurt either. She probably would have dumped you after the first date but your chocolate volcano cake is just so damn good.
7. I Got a Plane/Train/Boat to Catch Guy
They say parting is such sweet sorrow. If your girl is always catching an early flight, it could be she’s just a sucker for teary goodbyes. Face facts though, there’s a chance you’re just an overnight connection, a whistle stop to stoke her firebox, a port for the storm. Or she might just need a ride to the airport.
8. Gyno Guy (aka I Have To Tell You About My Period Guy)
Some girls are obsessed with talking. Some girls are obsessed with their period. Then there are the girls obsessed with talking about their period. And as long as you have insider information about that area, you are obligated to listen.
If you can handle it, then good for you, but don’t be fooled into thinking this is just a phase. It will not pass like acne and loving One Direction. If she feels comfortable talking with you about her period then it’s a slippery slope to obsessing about her weight, freckles and why they always discontinue her favorite shade of lipstick.
If you let this go on, you will be sucked into the abyss. We suggest the next time she starts talking about how she stopped spotting since she went organic, you need to start channel surfing for Cheers reruns. If she’s still around in the morning then maybe we were wrong.
9. Funny Guy
You are a laugh a minute. The life of the party. It’s no secret that funny equals sexy for a lot of girls. It’s like your own love potion number nine and you can make it up in your head. Just don’t decide that you’d like to have a serious side to the relationship. When you run out of material, you’ve run out of time, and the jokes on you.